How to Write a Commencement Speech

In the spirit of the graduation season, I'd like to share what I've learned about commencement speeches and how they're done as I see them.

1. Cater to the audience's raison d'être for easy applause.
2. Reach down into the pants of the person who called you to make sure you get asked back for next year.
3. Profusely pat on the back the people you are here to speak for to help them try to forget how long they've all been sitting here, and how much of their time you're about to waste.
4. Preach about how much further we all have to go to humble your charges, and build credibility.
5. Cite Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for your inspiration to further build credibility.
6. Charge the graduates with upholding the sanctity of whatever it is they went to school for.
7. Quote an important historical document (Declaration of Independence, Magna Carta, etc.) and speak louder for some more easy applause.
8. Repeat as needed.